Jun 9, 2011

baa baa

had been sick these couple of days. sore throat, headache, running (no, sprinting) nose, the whole package. might have been running a fever, might be not. no idea anymore. i hate being sick. but then again, when you're sick and you're home, its the best feeling in the world-- being a kid again. it makes being sick worth it, you know. to have parents worrying about you 24/7 and the ultimate license to not do anything and be the king! (mom & dad, i love you!) sadly, i'm not home, so i'll have to make do with paracetamol and hard hearted friends. so, last night i wanted to have a short chat with a dear friend whom i haven't seen in quite awhile before i doze off into panadol-induced dreams, to catch up and update myself. UNEXPECTEDLY got some very stupid and disturbing news. EMO! i totally hate the feeling of being lied to, moreover its regarding something very important and not to be joked about. i was so happy for you back then. when i heard the news. almost cried. i'm serious here. i so do not want you to continue doing whatever you are doing now. i love you, just not what you're doing. after that particularly disturbing conversation where i still had to pretend to be all happy and ok with it, i found no one that i can turn to, and even though i finally did tell someone, all i got was being told off. sorry lah boss. i'm THAT unsupportive, whichever way you want to put it. and after i finally tried to calm down, facebook held a lot of annoying stuff for me too. WHY ARE SOME OF MY FRIENDS SO... XXXX?????? i don't know what word i should use to describe it. sick? why are you hurting yourself that way? so you'll be happiest when you evaporate? i'm being real cryptic here. there's no other way to put it. i'm sorry that i don't have the courage to face you and tell you what is wrong. just... wake up and don't make a fool of yourself.

Jesus says, 'only the sick need doctors.' only He saves, no one else does. there's nothing else that i can do, but just pray and hope for the best. my heart really aches for you, but there are some things that you can't put into words when it has all been said and all has been done. it's up to you, Lord.

this poster... just struck a chord within me.

it's amazing how people can hide their true selves so well. i think i'm losing it. maybe i don't have those skills to begin with. people have commented that i'm not that 'sociable'. do i have to? so far i haven't seen the need to be. even if i did, i don't think i have the energy to keep it up. it's tiring to play those games. why can't people just treat each other with their hearts worn on their sleeves? i guess hearts will just get worn out then. humans are just made to harm each other then. actually, i do admire people who socialise effortlessly and actually look sincere while doing it. when i attempt to do it, i feel my fakeness rising like vomit and i just give it up. i'm not lanci or whatever you want to call me, but i don' think i'm well trained enough. these things are so ... inconsequential that i'm gonna give up. there are many things that people keep high on their to-do list, and that is not one of mine. what i deem important, i will place it on my list and do so accordingly. maybe it will take time, loads of it, years of it, but i just might get there in the end. and no fakeness either. ever since i'm a kid i know that my mouth is my weak point. weakest, in fact. i cut no corners and goes straight to the point. to put it nicely, i'm honest. to put in frankly, i'm harsh. i have this stupid reputation as the harshest section leader in the whole band. although i'm kinda proud of it, but i still can't shake off the feeling that i failed myself in some way or other. some people are well-liked. easily. like chocolate. whereas i take time. like bitter gourd. ok that's a very bad metaphor but my options are limited too. i think i took years before i loved eating bitter gourd. and i do care what others think of me. i get hurt too. i guess this is what they call 'self-conscious'? YES I AM. so... how can i treat others with sincerity, yet don't hurt them?

now.. now.. after reading this post don't be scared of me please. i do treat people i like with sincerity, which makes me sick when i try to 'love my enemies'.

urgh. no easy road to it as they say.

Give me the strength to LOVE, amen.


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