dinner-in-a-bus: subway sandwich with jalapeño, bubble tea, rain, and the traffic jam.
did i ever mention my love for buses? whenever i take the bus alone, there's no one save for that annoying pair of girls exchanging gossip behind you. i like the feeling of being anonymous, with nothing to distract you from that one hour of solitude, when you're forced to be alone with your own thoughts. the sole purpose of entertainment's existence in this world is to distract you from things that really matter. things that i have tried to put off by being busy, being pretending to be busy, and finding things to fuss over so that i do seem busy. be it rushing around, driving, walking, talking, facebooking, sleeping. all wonderful distractions. but when you're a cheapskate who can't be bothered to sign up for blackberry online packages, the moments when you find yourself stuck on the bus alone, no way to online, no way to fall asleep, and no way to walk around, that's the time to just 'sit back and relax'.
i freaking freaked out last sunday. something i regretted badly. didn't want to think about. haunted me during my hours on the bed before sleep. lashed out like some snarling animal. freaking hate this feeling that i had uglified myself. why do i care so much anyway? i can just smile and let this shit pass. my temper has been getting its way too often for my liking lately. consequences messy. endless. what did i bring upon myself. Hold your tongue, you fool. i repeat. by heart. and the tongue gallops away, without heed. where did all the restraint go? i hate memories that make me cringe. i am cringing away for all its worth right now. Just ... Go Away.
It's been a long day. too many stupid needless decisions. made at my own expense. when will you ever learn your lesson? not many do. i hope i'm one of the few. in your dreams. money, effort, time, energy, sleep, go on, continue the blunder you seem to love. maybe i'm just worn out. physically, thus mentally and emotionally. fatigue, tiredness, stoned, blank-eyed. if me the self-lover can't bring myself to love me, i wonder how Jesus does it. amazing, indeed. thank you for your unconditional love.
Dear Lord, give me strength to harness my tongue, give me wisdom to deal with all that i face daily, give me toothpicks for the almighty task of prying my eyes open every morning.
finals coming soon.